You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Can I color on your dick again?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
