You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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