I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize