Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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