I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
