My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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