The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
