We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
