it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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