sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
