She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
