There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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