Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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