someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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