Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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