o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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