I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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