Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
