happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
