Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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