All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
