I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
