even my farts smell like vagina
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
we're so committed to being not committed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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