Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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