remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
did i walk over a car last night?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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