He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize