wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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