I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I want to fling myself into the sun
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
