You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So apparently I’m into choking now
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