i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You are the jesus of drinking
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
