I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
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