Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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