She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
