you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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