If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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