If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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