Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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