your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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