At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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