I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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