The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
