with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize