you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
