Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
