You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
