Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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