I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
