Your mouth is God's brothel.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Randomize
