Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
