currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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