You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize