**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
