I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
