you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
