i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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