i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
