my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
